Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself

Link

We beat the Cowboys who beat the...

This is fantastic. Thank you to a reader of Bill Simmons:

"OK, Kansas City beat Oakland, which beat Denver, which beat Cleveland, which beat Cincinnati, which beat Jacksonville, which beat Green Bay, which beat Seattle, which beat San Francisco, which beat Buffalo, which beat San Diego, which beat New England, which beat the N.Y. Jets, who beat Arizona, which beat Miami, which beat St. Louis, which beat Dallas, which beat Washington, which beat New Orleans, which beat Tampa Bay, which beat Minnesota, which beat Carolina, which beat Atlanta, which beat Chicago, which beat Indianapolis, which beat Baltimore, which beat Philadelphia, which beat the N.Y. Giants, who beat Pittsburgh, which beat Houston, which beat Tennessee, which beat Detroit, which beat NOBODY."

All 32 teams!!

Les Mouflons, Part Deux

Just a link for this one: Matt Vasgersian ripping the Rams.

Rams, Lambs, Les Mouflons

Now, I know you guys couldn't care less about the Rams, nor should you. Nonetheless, I'm curious for your opinion as to whether or not the Rams should keep Haslett. On the surface, I think "no", but these two of these three articles/columns represent the other line of thinking which I think definitely has some merit:

Article

Opinion Column #1

Opinion Column #2

Today > November 4th

As much as I love Northwestern football, Coach Fitz is only the second coolest Pat Fitzgerald in the state today (and for the foreseeable future): Awesome, awesome, awesome.

If only Daley and Stroger were next in line...

Queer-Ball? Not anymore!

Yeah, I used to rag on tennis. I think the words "queerball" might've escaped my mouth a few times, though Jeff did (does) have a point that it's a good way to watch hot girls bend and flex wearing short white skirts.

But if tennis were more consistently like this, I would probably drop all objections. It'd be like playing football in jerseys coated with a contact explosive or something. Hmm...

This just makes me sad inside... and a little cold.

Nice little article about the futility that is Northwestern Basketball.

Colonel Sanders Does Not Approve

I have a feeling the comments section for this article will be funnier than the article itself.

Personality by State

For what it's worth, this article is fun and interesting.

Yep, that's my team.

The Rams reached a new level of futility on Sunday and it caught the eye of ESPN in a new way.

From the Possibly Unnecessary Department:

I recognize it's only a rumor, but: the Cubs now appear to be leading the chase for Jake Peavy. I'm just not sure why.

a) We have a dearth of good young pitching talent, which appears to be the Padres' goal.
b) The pitching staff last year was 2nd in the NL, behind the Dodgers.
c) The offense needs a lefty. (Hello, Adam Dunn?)
d) If Ryan Dempster's contract is going to be roughly in the same neighborhood, we can't upgrade the offense.

I recognize the desire to add starting pitching, but it isn't as though we need help getting TO the playoffs - which would be the point of strengthening the rotation, probably by dumping Marquis for Peavy. Unless you feel that Peavy is a 2-runs-or-fewer playoff pitcher, or Zambrano's going to break down, or Harden will break down again, or you're not going to sign Dempster, this move isn't a necessary one. Might not even be a good one. Sign Adam Dunn, swing whatever deal you need to for Brian Roberts (or any other qualified leadoff hitter that will allow Soriano to be moved out of the leadoff spot), slide Fukudome (or Edmonds, or Pie, or Reed Johnson. I really don't care) to center, and everyone's happy. Right?

Is it weird that I almost enjoy the baseball off-season more than the regular season?

Yee-Haw!!!!

And yet, NASCAR fans continue to try to get people like me to take the "sport" seriously.

http://sports.espn.go.com/rpm/nascar/cup/news/story?id=3680567

A Challenger for Shawn Kemp's Throne?

Even for the South, this is extreme. 10 kids? Eight women? Does he walk around every day dressed up as a sperm bank, frat-boy-Halloween-costume-style? (As an aside, I'm in search of costume ideas that are school-appropriate... thoughts?)

It brought to mind this article from several years back. Is the bad press athletes get for issues like this not as bad as it used to be? Or is it just that Jason Caffey's a nobody who can't keep his pants on?

If he happens to go to prison for this, can we consider all these women de-Caffeynated?

Meanwhile, in Kazakhstan, Borat calls his travel agent

Adam, what can you tell us about this school? I don't think it would've come off quite as bad if they had included things like "Hit a Catholic Day," "Hit a 'Metrosexual' Day," and "Hit a Fat Girl Day."

Al Davis, meet Dale Tallon.

Four games.

Denis Savard, fired four games into '08.

I don't care how bad of a coach you are, nobody can tell you're bad enough to be fired in just four games. Especially Dale Tallon. Even Drinky Years-era Bob Probert would deserve more than four games behind the bench. If this is leftover trigger-pulling from last season, it should've been done over the summer to let the new guy install his systems. They built up all this good will since last winter, and go and spoil it by canning one of the most popular Blackhawks figures ever to wear the Indian. Worst of all, they hired a former St. Louis coach.

What? He's made the playoffs ten of his eleven seasons as head coach?

Fuck it, I'm on board.

Drought? What drought?

Like the NFL (or MLB) tells you when your team is crummy, a few off weeks (or an off century) is nothing...

Anyway, this made me laugh this morning. Lopsided high school football games AND a "Three Amigos" reference? Excellent.

Relatively-little-known trivia: Jefe was in Season Four of 24.

NU & Bowl Chances

So not only are we 5-0, but our upcoming schedule - on paper - is quite winnable:

10/11 - vs. Michigan State
10/18 - vs. Purdue (Homecoming)
10/25 - @ Indiana
11/1 - @ Minnesota

I am by no means saying it will happen, but 9-0 is not out of the question. Then comes the hammer:

11/8 - vs. Ohio State
11/15 - @ Michigan
11/22 - vs. Illinois.

I'm guessing we go 1-2 in that stretch. As a result, I think 8-4 is quite realistic. Legitimate bowl, here we come!

And speaking of feeling good about the Rams...

[cue Nelson voice] Haw, haw!

Isn't there some sort of provision in the Americans with Disabilities Act about putting an immobile, perma-concussed, Manwich-brained quarterback behind an offensive line that would have a hard time stopping five members of the League of Women Voters without help from the running back?

Fire Millen!

Well, he's finally gone!

For some reason, I have a strangely high proportion of friends from Detroit and Michigan. This is how one of them responded to the news after I told him that Millen was fired...

"But we have a draft coming up after this season. Now what are we going to do?"

Hilarious.

venting his spleen

I hate this guy... I'm doing my evil laugh as I type this.

Didn't South Park cover this?

The fake version

-or-

The real version

Is it funnier 'cause it's true?

No Love Lost

You guys see this ESPN feature today?

No Love Lost

As hokey as it is, it's actually not a bad idea for a feature, now that the team is coming up on it's 100 year anniversary since they last won the WS. But two characters stand out in mind...

1) Wrigley Fields. Really? Come on, you don't name your kid that.
2) Ronnie Woo Woo. Age 67. Occupation: Professional Cubs fan. Wait, he has a job title now?

ESPN's Supposed East Coast Bias

I'm not sure how to react to this article, but I respect them for addressing it:

ESPN Ombudsman

Robb's First 100 Days

What do you plan to accomplish in the first 100 days, Robb?

I don't know whats worse if you're Bears fan...

Cause theres a lot bad in this article:
1) That your starting quarterback was partying it up at a pretentious sounding dump named "Crimson Lounge"
2) That said starting quarterback was "doing his best timberlake"
3) That Lindsey Lohan thought he was "superhot"
or
4) That said quarterback looks like this picture


honestly, I can't decide

Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

Yeah, probably. I just wish he had some compelling reason besides geography to hate the Cubs.

I believe more people should root against the White Sox. After that baserunning cluster(fudge) the other day, AJ needs another visit from The Right Cross of Karma, Michael Barrett.

How Early is Too Early?

At what age does something like this shift from acceptable to a bad idea? Is there a point at which it is acceptable to protect kids from peers who are better than they are? Before he got canned/let go, back when his show was listenable and not intolerably caricaturist/racist/political/just-plain-dumb, Mike North had a recurring segment, "The Pussification of America." Somewhere in Park Ridge, he's smiling.

And why am I not surprised this is happening in one of the "most educated" states in the Union? No way this happens in Texas.

Amen

Count me among the spoiled.

...aaaaaand there goes the wild card.

Ho boy. Not good for the Birds.

Kyle is our Quarterback

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/trainingcamp08/news/story?id=3541383

So how many games before fans start calling for Rex again?

Ted Denslow Really WAS A Dirty Old Man!

Video found here.

Found while laughing out loud (I can't bring myself to write LOyouknow) reading this story.

(Title reference to this movie, for the uninformed.)

Dream Job

You know you want to.....

Quote of the Year

From Peter King's MMQB:

Quote of the Week IV

"That's right. It's where receivers go to die.''
--Carolina wide receiver Muhsin Muhammad on his time in Chicago. He returned to Carolina this offseason after a frustrating three-year run with the Bears

:)

Hockey Falls

If you remember these ads, you're a true hockey fan. If not, you suck.

Ah, the NHL glory days...

Fail Blog

Believe it or not, this blog is even more brilliant than ours. Read it and love it.

Jerry Lee Lewis might have some royalties coming his way

Seriously, how can you not laugh? I mean, after you think how horrible that must be.

Actually, replace "horrible" with "hilarious." Yeah. That's better.

If They Gave One To Palmeiro...

Video today of Manny being Manny, which is to say video of a hair farmer being shit-tastic at catching a baseball. It's bad enough to miss the ball by three feet, but scampering after it on all fours like some hamstring-tear-suffering marathon runner trying to cross the finish line, then apparently using his cheeks to snare the ball once it stopped rolling?

On the bright side, this ensures Matt Murton won't finish last in the Gold Glove voting for the A.L.

New Mac Product

Yet another innovation by Apple!

Shield Your Eyes...

So I open up the Chicago Tribune sports page this morning, and I am greeted with this photo illustration....




It burns! It burns!

Reason # 1,996 why I hate the Pack

As if I needed any more reasons to hate the Packers.


On a sidenote, I've spent a lot of time thinking about how I'd feel if Favre actually became a Viking (not likely), and they did really well with him in charge (not that likely either). I'm wondering how other folks would feel if one of their all-time nemesis (nemeses? nemesises?) joined your team and your team went on to win a championship or something similar.

Bri thinks I'd be crazy to be upset about this, but theres something there that I can't shake. Almost like it would ruin it for me.

Jack's Sort-of Back

Just in case anyone else still has interest after the debacle that was Day 6, there's a trailer for the 24 tv movie that'll come out in the fall. It's here. It looks... ok. I like the change of scenery and plots, at least.

Just a reminder

When you get bored watching the All-Star Game tonight (over/under is the third pitch to the AL's second batter), remember that tonight is also the premiere of Hurl! at 8pm (or 6 Tree-Huggin' Hippie Zone) on the G4 network.

For the fan who wants to be a loser, even in death...

This is either brilliant, or mentally disturbed in a clinical sense. I can't be 100% sure either way.

Beer Bath

This is so ridiculous, I don't think even the Tony "DUI" LaRussa's St. Louis Cardinals would even do this!

BREWERS!

These mascots put Willie the Wildcat to shame

You may choose one of these two mascots to show up at your job for one day and liven up the festivities. Which one, and why?

I think I'd take the bull, if only because the more oblivious students would just say "Oh, ok, um, it's a big blue bull" and go back to their nerdish ways, totally missing the point.

Dirt for Sale!

Me thinks that when I go to Yankee Stadium, I bring a shovel. (Scroll down to #10)

So is this a guaranteed loss for the Cards?

Let's hear it for Northwestern's own soft-tossing lefty, starting tonight for the Phillies. Should we expect a no-hitter, or just a shutout?

Also, does anyone know which game Harden is starting (Friday or Saturday)? Both dates were mentioned, but nothing confirmed to the best of my knowledge.

(insert sound of schoolgirl-type giggling here)

Suck balls, National League. To pre-empt the "Yeah, but he's always hurt" complaint, if he should happen to hurt himself this year that just increases the Cubs' leverage to lock him up long-term.

On a side note, when I read the terms of the deal I did the same happy dance I did when they traded Brendan Harris and assorted crap for Nomar and Murton. Hopefully this one turns out better.

Tony Gonzalez Saves Another Life

So number of lives Tony Gonzalez has saved: 2
Number of lives I have saved: 0

Nice.

In case you are wondering, wait, when was the first? You can read all about it here.

(and I know you bums are gonna comment about it ask and make fun, so no, I do not own or wear a dorky photo vest on the sidelines... that is stupid. And no, I do not own or wear kneepads either, because they are also stupid)

Anyways, the first article kind of confused me. It mentions Tony Gonzalez's wife. So a few months ago, he did not actually have a wedding.... but a formal commitment ceremony. So I guess you're still called husband and wife after said formal commitment ceremony? Interesting.

That's Right, Bitches

A NEW ERA.

Indeed :-)

So who wants to buy my Winter Classic '09 tickets for only about 500% above face value? (that is a friends discount)

The "Don't touch my stuff woman!" wedding reading

Thats what I call the reading i've been asked to do for this wedding next weekend. Figured I'd pass along the reading to folks. I've never heard one quite like it at a wedding before.


On Marriage from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

Yup, Never Saw This One Coming

(end sarcasm)

No Balls, One Strike

If everyone's favorite Howitzer-armed Cardinal Yadier Molina wants nieces and nephews, after this he'll have to hope Bengie comes through for him.

The Youtube link in the comments on the AA story is great, too.

Cards-Cubs is finally (almost) here!

If you guys will be around this weekend, we should catch at least one game together.

Jeff - fly in three weeks early :).

Mutant Lobster

I'm sure these are actually pretty common, but I don't think I've seen anything like it. This thing is freaking HUGE!!!!!

How is this news, again?

So, yeah. Parents give kids booze. Did they really need a federal study to figure this one out?

Cubs/Sox editorial, must-see TV, etc.

Just thought this might be interesting. The article gives a couple reasons/excuses for the fence-sitting, but I just don't think you can legitimately be a fan of both teams.

Also: From 7-9pm tonight ABC is running two shows of note, "Wipeout" and "I Survived A Japanese Game Show." We just watched "Idiocracy" last night, so the timing of these shows couldn't be better.

I have to show it off...

My new TV :)

Just purchased today. Will be delivered next Tuesday.

Fun With Captions!

Rick Ankiel: Incorrectly Collecting Stool Samples Since 1999.

Scottie Pippen is a Pimp

Leaving my graduation celebration dinner, I noticed there was a 6'6 (or so) black man standing near the entrance to the restaurant with two over-made up, silicone-infused hotties.

Then the guy turned around and it was Scottie Pippen. He seemed to be having a genuine conversation with the host staff. Why he was in a restaurant with these ladies and not somewhere, um, private, I do not know.

The funny thing is that this is a day after I saw Eddie George walking around the exec. education center at Kellogg. He's a lot taller in person than I thought he'd be. I still think he's overrated :).

Crazy Uncle

Remember that site with all the funny Chicago Top 10 sports lists I sent out a while ago back in our email days? And remember the one of the Top 10 Ozzie rants? Well, we have a new one to add today.... he went on and on about Wrigley:

""You go to take batting practice and the rats are bigger than pigs out there. You want to take a look? I think the rats are lifting weights"

and also an instant classic:

"This is a museum. People like to come to Wrigley Field. I don't say people don't like to come here. I said, 'Ozzie doesn't like to come here."

We need to organize a viewing party for:

Hurl!

Jim Abbott would like a word with you, Ron

As I was driving to Chipotle less than an hour ago to get a delicious burrito, I heard the following from Ron Santo on WGN Radio after Aramis Ramirez followed Derrek Lee's 7th inning home run with one of his own:

"Those back to back jacks brought me to my feet!"

Ho boy. Where do we start with this one? Do I even need to point out that Ron has no feet to be brought to? Or perhaps...

"***

Dateline: Chicago
Doctors at the University of Chicago Hospitals today announced a breakthrough treatment in the field of diabetes research.

'We found that for fans of Major League Baseball teams, a treatment of multiple home runs by their team provided substantial benefits in the area of finding and reattaching the missing body parts,' said hospital spokesman Dr. Jim Dugan. 'We first noticed a correlation when people started mysteriously appearing in the hand-and-foot waste bin and causing it to overflow. They scream like banshees when they wake up in a pile of random body parts, but once we find the parts that originally belonged to them and scrape away the dead flesh, they're pretty stoked. Plus, we can start wantonly removing body parts again!'

There was no mention of the effect of soccer goals on amputees - much to the chagrin of former Def Leppard drummer Joe Elliot."

thats it... we're screwed

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2008/writers/dr_z/06/20/vikings/index.html?eref=T1

Stupid Dr. Z. I swear, I hate it when columnists do crap like this. If we lose our first 4 like the 07 Saints, and Dr. Z suddenly disappears, you'll know where to look first. Thats right. 2 feet underground beneath my deck.

If You're Not Cheating (Part Deux)

The sad thing is this whole thing didn't even help us win that game.

Couldn't Have Said it Better Myself

Why I'm Sick of Boston

Watching the celebration Tuesday night, you could tell that the fans weren't even that excited.

Continuing the theme of Children Being Hurted:

Har har har.

I can just imagine this kid on a rocking chair in sixty years... "Did I ever tell you about the time I kicked some kid in the head? I kicked him! He fell down! It was great! I became famous! Where are my pants?" Are online video clips going to become the new version of scrapbooks?

Also: In case you were wondering, I'm taking advantage of summer break by watching college football replays on the Big Ten network. Ki-jana Carter is running through the '94 Illinois defense like Eric Cartman through a chicken pot pie. I miss football.

Hans Moleman Productions presents...

... The sequel to "Man Getting Hit By Football."

Meet the new boss...

Yaaaaaaaaaaaay.

It's not as good as trading Dustin Byfuglien for Ovechkin, nor is it a surprise, but at least it means even the crummy games will be tolerable to watch/listen to.

This is giving me a headache...

So I just tuned into the Blue Jays-Cubs game, and it's giving me a headache. In a matter of 5 minutes, I saw Rolen, Eckstein, Edmonds, and Marquis in blue. In what universe am I?

Funny enough, in that 5 minutes, I also saw both Eckstein and Edmonds botch defensive plays :).

With Our Powers Combined...

We are PLATYPUS!

Perks of the Job

So even if you are a dirty, scruffy looking, gap-toothed Russian, you can still land the hot babes.

Apparently all you need to do is score 60+ goals a year in one of the most difficult sports to compete in, and make millions and millions of dollars.

Nice.

Patriots are Thieving Bastards

What the hell were the NY Giants Super Bowl rings doing 10 miles from Foxboro anyways? Don't they have jewelers in NY?

"And now trackside to Don Imus. What do you have for us, Don?"

Hmm. You don't say.

In other shocking developments, it turns out Bill Gates is rich and fat people like cake.

The Original One-Gap Lineman

So Michael Strahan is hanging 'em up. Good for him, leaving while he can still walk.

But in the article there's a line that made me double-take:

"Strahan leaves the Giants as the team's all-time quarterback sack leader and a sure-fire first-ballot Hall of Famer. He also leaves after having donned the Blue and White more than any player in Giants history."

Is Michael Strahan a Hall of Famer period? Is he first-ballot? Is this Jay Glazer starting, on Day One of the five-year wait, to campaign for a friend? Is this me hating all things New York and not being objective? Is this too many questions in a row?

Blackhawks Season Tickets

OK guys, so I know this is a long shot, but I thought I would throw it out there (long shot since most of my friends are cheap bastards).

Anybody interested in going in on Blackhawks season tickets with me? There is currently no wait list, and if you request them, you will get them. Part of the reason I ask, is that I am on the Cubs season ticket wait list, and I don't see myself coming off of that in the near future (I put myself on this list 10 years ago after I graduated high school, and I am now only #4,000 or so on the list as... so I am slowly getting there).

Obviously, we probably would not use every ticket. It is just a way for me to "guarantee" tickets for events that I'd like to go to. Plus, extra tickets are always good for friends or business clients. Unused tickets can always get uhhh, traded. Other than the hefty deposit of paying for 40 some odd home games as an initial investment, I don't think we will lose much, if any money in the end.

Thoughts?

How long before Craig posts?

Now that Jerry's on board, there's still one to go. Should we set up a pool or something? Over/under on number of days? Threaten his puppy (does he have a puppy)?

Formal Commitment Ceremony

First off, Adam, what kind of Wildcat fan are you? Muuuuuuuuuso!

Second off, Robb, how about a 'formal commitment ceremony' instead? It probably costs a lot less and takes far less time to plan too!

Hi, I'm a Wii.

Wonderful: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x7PhJp3ciRQ

"'PC Load Letter?' What the fuck does that mean?"

Awesome. Only way it'd have been better is if it had a cartoon-style blooper soundtrack.

Brian Musso? Frank Flynn?

So I'll start. Who the hell are those guys?

Adam